The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet

A World Series win and an Oval Office loss

Though the White Sox may be sweaty
they most certainly don’t stink.
After Shoeless Joe’s black scandal,
life is good. We’re in the pink.

Second City’s celebrating.
In The Cell the nuclei
is a dream team coached by Ozzie
that refused to quit or die.

On the Southside corks are popping
(actually it’s more like beer)
as the fans who loved Comiskey
toast their team. Redemption’s here.

But that woman nominated
as Judge Sandra steps aside
finds herself now wed to sorrow
though she’s never been a bride.

Harriet has known no Ozzie.
Her adventures are alone.
And her record on the biggies
seemed to largely be unknown.

On the mat where her match centered
grunts and groans were clearly heard
as this wrestler’s reputation
caused a rumble. Passions stirred.

Seems her stand on pro-life issues
tripped her up and took her down
through half-Nelson claims by critics.
She was left quite bruised and bound.

In the end Ms. M cried uncle
to a tag team on the Hill,
while her boss and chief supporter
choked upon a bitter pill.

God Almighty, Judge of justice,
in this heated battle royal,
was it Your hand refereeing
when it slapped to end the toil?

Take Me Out to the Ballgame

Why the seventh-inning-stretch song is more than just a song

Take me out to the ballgame…

Not just any old ballgame.
But a game played
with a horsehide ball.
Horsehide not pigskin.
A hard little white ball.
not a big bouncy brown ball
or a black and white spotted ball.
A game with bases not with hoops
A game with home plate
and not hash marks
A game with catchers not keepers.
 
Take me out with the crowd…

Not just any old crowd,
but a loud crowd in a classic baseball stadium.
Not a hushed gallery on a manicured golf course
or an elite crowd dressed
to the nines at a purebred track,
but a loud crowd
of every imaginable size and shape
clothed in every imaginable home team apparel.
A loud proud crowd with one thing in common.
They are a family of fans
who feel related to all the brothers
on the field and in the dugout.
 
Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks…

Not just any old snack will do.
There are certain givens for a game at the yard.
The unshelled salted nuts.
The timeless caramel corn
with a toy surprise in every box.
But don’t stop there.
You just gotta have
one of those over-priced hot dogs
served up by those
overweight loud-barking vendors.
A Coke on ice or a beer in hand
is a traditional must to wash down the dust
on a hot summer day
as the wind swirls around the infield.
And don’t forget a cup of malted ice cream
with the itty-bitty wooden spoon.
That’s a taste treat that will sweeten
even those long bitter days
when your team comes up short.
 
I don’t care if I ever get back…

It’s really true.
You wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.
The smell of well-oiled ball gloves,
the infield dirt and the grassy outfield
are fragrances that make you wish
time would stand still.
But don’t forget your other senses.
Like your hearing for instance.
The piercing crack of a wooden bat
colliding with a 94 mile per hour pitch.
That by itself is enough to raise
goose pimples on your arms.
It’s a sound that takes you back
to the days of your youth
when your dad watched you
get your first Little League hit
or when he and your grandpa or (your Uncle Al)
took you to your first Major League game.
It’s a sound you could listen to all day.
No wonder they call baseball
our national pastime.
It’s a most tantalizing way to pass the time
without being tagged out by guilt.
While a bunted ball rolls slowly
down the third base line,
you feel the stress of work roll off your back.
No wonder we hope for extra innings.
The demands and deadlines of the job can wait.
 
For it’s root, root, root for the home team….

From a solitary “Hey batter, batter”
to a stadium-wide wave,
rooting is as individual as each unique fan’s response
or as all-encompassing
as the waving arms on either side of you.
There are chants as old as childhood cheers.
Ones like “Here we go Cubbies. Here we go!” 
Or “We want a hit! We want a hit!”
There are choruses of time-honored roots
led by the man at the Wurlitzer organ in the press box.
You know.
Ones like,  “Da-duh da duh duh-da. CHARGE!”
And of course there’s the age-old Bronx cheer
“#&*@$”
just to annoy the visiting team
in its drab gray traveling uniforms.
Everybody knows that baseball fans
are not allowed to remain silent.
Like the “amens” or “praise the Lords” at church,
the congregation perched above
the hallowed ground of heaven on earth
has a responsibility to raise their voices
and confess their desires
without concern for anonymity.
 
If they don’t win it’s a shame….

Whoever said “winning isn’t everything”
certainly wasn’t a baseball fanatic.
The root word from which the word fan
emerges into the luxury box of linguistics
implies the antithesis of apathy
or a comfort level with loss.
For the true fanatic, defeat is detestable.
The longing for victory is the only thing
that keeps you coming back to the ballpark
game after game, season after season,
century after century
(especially if you are a Chicago Cubs fan).
 
For it’s one, two, three strikes you’re out….

Three strikes. Four balls. Nine players.
Three and two. A single. A double. A triple.
A four bagger. A double-play. A triple play.
Three up and three down. A double-header.
Now those are numbers that make sense.
Forget the new math.
The old kind is the only kind that really adds up.
Forget that dreaded report card.
A scorecard is all that really matters.
 
At the old ballgame…

An old game that is rich
with tradition and historical significance.
An old game that is nonetheless always new. 
New players, new uniforms, new ball yards,
new rivalries, new records and new fans.
While it may be an old game, it is a game that,
like a rare vintage wine,
grows better with time.
It improves with age from age to age.
Come autumn time it remains the rage.
This old ballgame can still capture
the imagination of an entire nation
for two weeks every October.
Just listen to the song
the faithful continue to sing
at the top of their lungs
just before the bottom
of the seventh inning.
And as you listen,
look beneath the lyrics
to the mystery they invoke.

Birth Pangs of a Cosmic Sort

What might the crescendo of catastrophic global events be signaling?

There’re wars, earthquakes and tidal waves.
Then deadly aftershocks.
Could Armageddon be on deck?
So ask newsmen on Fox.

And hurricanes are on the rise
with killer floods in tow.
There’s talk of bird flu and mad cow.
St. Helens’s set to blow.

A Carpenter from Nazareth
once hammered home the truth
that escalating tragedies
would wake prophetic sleuths.

So could the end be drawing close
for late great planet Earth?
Are all these headlines labor pains
that mark redemption’s birth?

We can’t be sure, but let’s beware.
The Scriptures make it clear.
That Carpenter will come again.
Perhaps this is the year.

A Value-added Veto

Arnold Schwarzenegger weighs in on traditional marriage

At last the Terminator’s back.
He killed that recent bill
that would have let a Jeremy
get married to a Phil.

Although the legislation passed
allowing gays to wed,
the Governor enforced his will
and vetoed it instead.

I’m grateful for this muscle man
who leveraged his own weight
so marriage won’t be undermined
within the Golden State.

And yet the jury still is out
across the USA
as pressure mounts to let Diane
exchange vows with Danae.

The next few years will no doubt find
our nation scarred by strife
when values claimed for centuries
are stabbed as with a knife.

It’s one thing to grant equal rights
to same sex liaisons,
but calling such husband and wife
is nothing less than wrong.

Requiem to a Rebel Forever Young

Remembering James Dean on the 50th anniversary of his death

East of Eden, north of Indy
James Dean headed west.
But it wasn’t long
before his dreams came up short
and things went south.

His fast-paced lifestyle
stole his smile (and his tomorrows)
as the reckless speed at which he lived
became the reckless speed
from which he died.

For this baby-faced
rebel without a cause,
a fleeting taste of adulthood
was swallowed up in death.

Fairmount’s fair-haired native son
had won the fame for which he’d longed
only to lose the chance to enjoy it.

No wonder America wept
as this bright falling star
(who burned out prematurely)
was swept from celebrity’s stage.

And although Central Indiana
is left with the right
to claim the final resting place,
it’s a somber privilege at best.

Even though James grew up a Quaker,
he seemed at odds with his Maker
when he cashed it all in
as he crashed.

It’s likely James Dean once knew
what it meant to be Friends with God,
but God only knows
if (through faith) they embraced
the day that he died…
forever young.