How two women got themselves in hot water:
Hey, Hey Paula

The High Cost of Cold Feet
How a runaway bride held a nation hostage

Her wedding day was drawing near.
Her nervous heart was chilled by fear.
And from her heart the numbness spread
until her feet were cold.

And with those feet she ran away
creating quite a frantic fray.
Pretending she had been kidnapped,
she wove a web of lies.

There was a hostage nonetheless.
Her childish ways and selfishness
found her fiance caged by stress
and kept him on his knees.

In fact she held us all at bay.
We feared the worst yet knelt to pray.
This one afraid to tie the knot
left us in knots inside.

And so the point I want to make
(much like a pebble on a lake)
is that our acts are ripple-like
involving many lives.

So count the cost before you do
what at the time seems good for you.
For choices always have a price
that someone has to pay. 

Hey, Hey Paula
A new twist on an old hit

Hey, hey Paula, Simon says, shame on you.
Hey, hey Paula, looks like your gig is through.
It seems that this Idol talk may be true.
Paula, Corey was just twenty two.
Big mistake. Big mistake.

Hey, hey Paula, Idols are for the stage.
Hey, hey Paula, Corey was not your age.
Did you really share your bed and your wage?
Paula, your fans are feeling rage.
Take a hike. Take a hike.

True love means planning a life for two
being together when Idol is through.
True love means waiting and hoping that soon
wishes you made will come true.
You were wrong. You were wrong.

(with apologies to the original lyricist, Ray Hildebrand)

A good question to ask when your chili tastes bad

You’d better eye your finger food.
Be cautious. Don’t be dumb.
Unless you eat your fast food slow,
you might swallow a thumb.

The chunky chili Wendy serves
may not be what you think.
Amid the beans within your bowl,
there might be something pink.

Con carne means it comes with meat.
But human meat? Good grief!
I guess it pays to always ask,
“Excuse me, where’s the beef?”

What we can expect from the new top dog at the Vatican

A German Shepherd’s been unleashed
to bark at, nip and fetch the sheep
who find themselves outside the fold
because their doctrine’s b-a-a-a-d.

St. Peter’s pet will growl and whine
at those who think it’s long past time
to let Eve’s daughters be ordained
as backward-collared priests.

This dog will show his teeth at gays
who protest what the Bible says
and lobby for the right to wed
as if that were the norm.

He’ll hunt down those within the flock
whose actions haven’t matched their talk.
Those shepherds who abused their lambs
and then denied their crime.

This papal pooch will pant and yelp
to save the unborn needing help.
He’ll stand for life and sit for hours
refuting those who lie.

His pedigree has been suspect,
because he learned to genuflect
when just a pup in Hitler’s youth
(a group he came to hate).

Will St. Bernards like Benedict?
Will Irish setters give a lick?
Will poodles, huskies, pugs and labs
join him to chase the lost?

That all depends on if his bark
is recognized in fields and parks
by other sheep dogs through the world
who look to him as boss.

This German Shepherd needs our prayers
to undo wrongs and right old errors
and clarify that faith alone
is what links us to God.

A signal of hope or an invitation to trust?

Their pontiff dead, the birds in red
perched near St. Pete’s in Rome.
In secrecy, they flocked to see
who’d claim the papal throne.

With J.P. gone, they prayed at dawn
while fingering their beads.
Upon their knees they begged, “God please,
tell us who you’d have lead.”

And rightly so, for as you know
their church is quite perplexed
about the way it’s viewed today
with scandals over sex.

Is it too late? Should priests have mates?
Is birth control so wrong?
And what about a clergy drought?
Their laundry list is long.

With much at stake for Heaven’s sake,
the cardinals found their voice.
Within that place of frescoed grace,
the red men named their choice.

Black puffs gave way to white the day
they took their final vote
as thousands cheered and shed some tears
to see the holy smoke.

Yet can this pope give cause for hope?
Can one man turn the tide?
It seems to me the missing key
is faith that’s true and tried.